Everything's Not Lost
by Skylark Evanson
Summary: I was scared of myself. I was scared of what I could be. I was scared of what my powers could do to me.


**A/N: So I'm cleaning up my Gwevin playlist on my iPod and I come across a few of the best Gwevin songs I have ever come up with. Coldplay is such a great provider for tortured soul music… Kevin's POV. After "Forge of Creation".**

**Disclaimer: song is by Coldplay. Everything else, not mine.**

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**Everything's Not Lost**

**_When I counted up my demons  
__Saw there was one for every day_**

I quietly huddled in the hidden corners of the Null Void, knowing the best places to seek shelter and to disguise myself. I knew where I could go where I had people I could use to hide me. I knew the best places for anything. The Null Void was my own prison and I was there to take care of business.

**_With the good ones on my shoulder  
__I drove the other ones away_**

Gwen stayed on my mind. She cared and I knew it. But the little Ben was right. I was self-centered and a jerk. I'd never admit that he was right. Not in a million years. But he was right and I hated every second of knowing that I was wrong. I hated how he could just easily snap his fingers and I was automatically wrong. I had been wrong. It wasn't that I was still a monster. It was that I was always scared to become a monster.

I was scared. I was scared shitless that I could become a vicious beast again. I could turn into something that could kill without a care in the world. I was scared of myself. I was scared of what I could be. I was scared of what my powers could do to me.

**_So if you ever feel neglected  
__And if you think all is lost  
__I'll be counting up my demons, yeah  
__Hoping everything's not lost_**

I was alone. I was a monster. I was a killer. I was willing to do anything for vengeance. I counted up those demons and all my scattered sins and got a number higher than I was hoping it would be. I just sat there in my darkness, feeling sorry for myself.

**_When you thought that it was over  
__You could feel it all around  
__Everybody's out to get you  
__Don't you let it drag you down_**

And then I stopped. I stopped feeling sorry for myself. That was what had gotten me into this mess. That was what had turned me into this. I had turned selfless for a moment and it had made me a monster again. And I could've felt sorry for myself and kept thinking that I was a killer.

Until the realization hit me that I knew I was a killer. I knew it. In my head. In my heart. I knew. And knowing was about as powerful as control.

Control was vital. It was the tool of the strong. Gwen always said knowledge was power. And I knew. I had power. I had control. I knew what I was doing, no matter what my body was trying to get to. I wasn't going to let myself. The strong put up defenses and walls and protect the ones they love. Just knowing that I was a monster was enough to put me down.

**_'Cause if you ever feel neglected  
__If you think all is lost  
__I'll be counting up my demons, yeah  
__Hoping everything's not lost_**

I put a little faith into it and wished that my powers would go away. I'd give anything for that fancy toy that Darkboy had. I would've let him suck this energy from me any day. I would've loved to feel my human skin instead of this crimson flesh that had inhabited the outside of my body. I was still Kevin. Something inside of me was still human. I knew it. Knowledge is power. Gwen always told me that. She was still part of me. Capability of love. Another little check of the list of what was coming back of my humanity.

Maybe my sanity was just around the corner.

**_If you ever feel neglected  
__If you think that all is lost  
__I'll be counting up my demons, yeah  
__Hoping everything's not lost  
__Singing out oh oh oh yeah_**

I silently sent out a little prayer to whoever was watching over me. I didn't care who it was. Ben and Gwen. My dad. God. Someone. Anyone. I just wanted my humanity back. I wanted to be able to go back to Gwen. I wanted to be able to take her back into my arms and tuck her into my chest.

I wanted to be able to grab Ben and give him the worst noogie of his life. Anything to know that I was human. Anything so I knew that I had people that still cared. Anything to keep my friends safe. Anything. Anything at all.

**_Oh oh yeah  
__Oh oh yeah_**

Anything. I just wanted my sanity back. I wanted to be able to see myself and know that I was still capable of being a human. Or at least something close to human. I wished I didn't have any powers. I wished that Darkboy would come and kill me or at least suck all that raw power away. It was dangerous. It was killing me from the inside out. It made me want to die more than I usually did. It made it painful to know that I had almost hurt Gwen and nearly destroyed the entire universe.

But Gwen… Losing her was the hardest part. Turning my back on them was the most painful thing I had ever done.

**_Everything's not lost_**

I kept on hiding. I kept on praying. I kept on begging for some sort of mercy so I could tell the Tennysons how sorry I was. I wanted to tell them so many things.

I wanted to tell Ben how he was my best friend.

I wanted to tell my mom how much I appreciated her.

I wanted to thank Max for everything he'd done for my dad.

I wanted to tell Gwen how I loved her.

I had so much to do. So much I couldn't do in this bulky, dangerous body.

**_So come on yeah  
__Oh oh yeah_**

_Let me out_, I thought to myself. _Let me out. Let me be free._

**_Come on yeah_**

My skin didn't melt away like I had hoped. It didn't fall off. None of the energy vanished. But I knew I was regaining my humanity. If I was done, I would've been done. But I had things to live for yet. Everything wasn't lost.

**_Everything's not lost_**

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**A/N: Written in about a half hour. No joke. And just warning, you may see a lot of songfics in the future. My playlist is currently rockin'… about 200 Gwevin-centric songs.**

**Review!**

**~Sky**


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